A Day in the Life of an Ugly Lamp

Plug me in and turn me on. It’s my job. I can light up a home, but I think I could even light up the world. Well, let me explain myself. I am a Spanish dancer frozen in this calypso routine.

“Think Dancing with the Stars but way more awesome!”
Above my head is a burlap shade, decorated with bedazzled fruits and sequins. Even though the top is embellished with bows, I am the show down below on my neon streaked platform.

Of course I will walk away the winner. That blue ribbon will only add to my glamour. Just look at my competition! A fuzzy troll lamp? Please. It’s a furry purple concoction with a troll doll peering out from on top. He is probably jealous of my provocative bod. Next to that purple beast is an early-twentieth century man on a quaint bicycle. His back is turned to me, pedaling away from the competition. He won’t get far with that cumbersome top hat above him.

On the other side of the table is one of those leg lamps, very Christmas Story. She is tall, feminine, wrapped in fishnet stockings and a red and black lace garter to match her red high heels. The black and gold lined lampshade is right out of a speakeasy. Yes, she is sexy and tacky, but she is no match for my maracas.

“Wow, why would they take it that far?”

Someone really broke their ankle for this contest! That lamp down the way with her x-ray shade and signature-filled cast is definitely catching a lot of attention. But, she’s not uglier than me! I agree with whoever signed her cast “xoxo Deb,” the toes are just too cute, decked out with purple toenail polish. I don’t think the good wishes and signatures written on the cast can help her now. Sorry Pat, Nina and Max – although you may have wished this hobbling friend a quick recovery – this is my contest and the Latin Queen will reign supreme!

This is gonna be a tough competition going up against the King…of pop, that is. The silver, sparkling glove paired with the famous, black-fringed red military jacket sure screams Michael Jackson, as does the collage of pictures retracing his life on the shade. Although this King can moonwalk better than I can merengue, no one shines with the ugly factor like me!

Now that giant lamp behind me may be the tallest; bet it doesn’t make it the ugliest. The ER doc atop that pill-bottle lamp should have saved some of that Tylenol for the headache she’s gonna get after losing to me.

The judges are coming around now. They’ve chosen the squirrel lamp! Just think taxidermy and the worst interpretation of Deliverance. Wow, the crew and I are shocked, we can’t believe we’ve been beaten by a squirrel. Even the broken ankle lamp won something! There’s always next year…

But you should still come out and judge me for yourself everyday of the Fair in the South Wing B lobby. Be careful, you may make your living room lamps jealous.